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Walking on Broken Glass

You Might Die Trying

Shellybean

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Shellybean
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July 28th, 2008

*glee*

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I GOT GUINEA PIGS!!!!!!!!

over the weekend. and for free :D one of my friend's aunts had them but was horribly allergic. so she was looking to give them away and voila!

they are utterly adorable.
spike is brown and white and very cute and very much like snowy was (personality). hehehe
ickarus (spelling?!?!) is a spazz and the poor thing is scared out of his wits.
I think he might need lots of love and patience. But he's very cute too. He is brown like.. all shades and its the funky hair. Like damn near mohawk style. Its awesome.
we might rename him. He needs a more funky name to go with his hair.

I watched them for a huge part of Sunday night, lol. Mallory things I'm easily amused but honestly I think they are the most adorable things ever. They squeak and run around, and you can play with them and they're CUTE!!

hehehehe. I can't wait to buy a house so they have grass to run around in. haha

they're still getting settled in. they hide a lot, but thats to be expected. new smells, place, sounds and all that jazz.

The weekend was cool. We mostly hung out and I took her shopping and stuffs in celebration of her new jobness.
I've become such a homebody.. its amusing and sad at the same time. i still like to go out.. its just well.. getting to the going part. lol
once im there its all good though.

i got my hair done this weekend too. its out of braids. weird.
i don't know what i think of it. everyone else loves it though so we shall see i s'pose.

shellybean... out!! (if you watch robotchicken you may get that....)

 

November 20th, 2007

(no subject)

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This Thanksgiving....
maybe won't be so bad.
I hope, anyway.
Last year was spent alone. In my apartment. Yay me, eh?

The year before that...
*sigh* Was spent feeling dirty.
I don't talk to that boy anymore.

I spent last night walking around his apartment, and didn't sleep. I didn't want to go back into his room.. in his bed.. it was partly because I didn't want to wake him, but also because I was terrified. Of what? I don't know. Maybe of not being able to say no again.
- November, 2005

This year...
I am surrounded by love.
I am less afraid.
I am not alone.
I am okay.. despite everything.

Maybe.. I can start liking the holidays again... Maybe...


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-- Marianne Williamson

 

October 29th, 2007

(no subject)

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we laid in bed and had a two and a half hour conversation last night.
about.. stuff.
we do this often.
we never run out of stuff to talk about.

we actually talk.
and she listens.
we haven't fought yet.
mostly because we're actually able to communicate.
which is very odd for me.. but comforting and amazing.

it's nice to be in a relationship where i feel like im being listened to.
like i matter.
like im cared about.
i haven't had that in a long time.

she's good for me in so many ways.
i can't even begin to list them all.
its nice to be with someone that doesn't trigger me.
she's a lot like roman in that way.. i don't question it. i just go with it.

im myself with her. im not faking. not any of it.
if im hyper.. i poke her incessantly and she laughs at me and tells me how adorable i am.
if im depressed, i allow her to hold me, and stay silent with me in bed.
i don't run away from her.
there isn't a need to.

is this a forever type thing?
i have not a clue.
and, in my opinion its too early to say...
but at the same time.
i don't care. it doesn't matter.
im tired of worrying about the future. im tired of making myself sick with 'what ifs'
im taking each moment. as it is. no more, no less.

and right now, in this moment;
im content. and happy. and loved.
and really, thats all that matters.
be here for the present. everything else will fall into place.


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-- Marianne Williamson

 

October 24th, 2007

She is black and from America...
yet she randomly speaks with an English/Scottish accent.
She trained herself to do so at an early age.
Now it just pops up at random. She has no control over it.
She's also part Canadian as she says "eh" frequently.

October 9th, 2007

Thankfuls/Boasts 10/9/07

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i have an awesome girlfriend, with purple hair, who is beautiful, even when she cries.
i went to therapy today.. i spilled out as much as i possibly could in an hour
i let the goddess take care of me.. what will be.. will be
after lack of sleep, i got into work at 8:30
i went grocery shopping in an attempt to eat healthier
i admitted i was proud of me
i have a support system; one that im not ashamed to lean on
i am worth it.
today.. i am not afraid.
today.. i made an effort to move on.

September 5th, 2007

Hmmm....

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Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
CategoryYour Score Average
Self-Lovin'56.7%
Explored the pleasures of the flesh
64.7%
Shamelessness73.8%
It takes a couple of drinks
78.8%
Sex Drive 86.8%
The Pope is envious
77.1%
Straightness21.4%
Knows the other body type like a map
43.8%
Gayness 33.9%
At least one weekend of ecstacy
83.7%
Fucking Sick73.5%
Dipped into depravity
89.8%
You are 55.75% pure
Average Score: 72.3%

Words

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I stare at her.
I'm quiet, not because I have nothing to say.. I'm actually bursting with things to say.
I just don't have the words to say them.
But I want to.

I love you baby.
I open my mouth to speak, to say those words back to her as she turns away.
But.. silence.
I blurted it out earlier. But it was before I was ready.
When are we really ever ready for such feelings? For such hugeness of the words themselves?
We wait forever to hear them, to speak them, to feel them.
And when we hold it in our grasp.. we hold ourselves back.
I'm not sure what holds me back now except...
the knowledge of making it real.
Is it real? How do any of us know what's real and what isn't? 

But.. how can it not be real?
I am completely content when I'm with you.
What else explains this bubble I'm in.

I cannot speak the words yet.
Fear holds me back
Myself holds me back.
The past holds me back.
My pain holds me back.

So I say it to you silently.
As you turn away. As I stare at you, it's in my eyes.
It's in my smile. But for now I'm quiet.
Until I'm ready to say the words out loud.

September 4th, 2007

 

So.. *ponders*
I hesitated and procrastinated doing this because.. I'm not really belonging to any one faith right now. So I have not a clue how this is going to turn out.
I'm drifting in and out of things.. and I'm okay with that. I am in no rush, nor am I worried in finding whatever path that I'm "supposed" to be on.

So I s'pose my perspective is as someone that leans toward giving themselves the label "Agnostic". I really just don't know.. but I seem to have pagan and buddhist views.

Rules

1. You have to use your own belief system for the meme. No fair using someone else’s to make a joke or satire. Being humorous about your own religion is encouraged!
2. You have to have at least one joy and one trial. More are encouraged. And no, they don’t have to be equal in length, but please be honest.
3. You have to tag at least one other person. More are appreciated!
4. Please post these rules!

Joys

I s'pose the one joy that I've really recognised is the cliche fact of I'm not alone.
My life has been a rollercoaster, one that continually surprises me, but always and I do mean always gives me what I need.. but not necessarily what I wanted.

I can either chalk it up to a series of coincidences.. or call it what it I believe it to be. Some sort of spiritual intervention of some sort. And.. *laugh* I know it's probably odd to hear me say these things, especially if you've known me for awhile.. but there are things that have happened, especially recently, that convince me that there is something holding me up, when I cannot.

*smiles* The other joy is.. if I look close enough everything literally does happen for a reason. At the time, when shit happens I don't look at it that way. But eventually I see the logic and the reasoning in what happened.. and a lot of the time it helps immensely. I don't feel s'much like I'm flying blind anymore.. but rather I'm following a light at the end of the tunnel.

Trials

I'm a very black and white person. I am less now, than I used to be.. but it's still there.
Sometimes it's hard to actually believe that there is some sort of.. unknown and/or unseen being who thinks I'm worth it to help every once in awhile. I have no real concrete proof - just hunches and feelings.. none of which are scientific for me to put what I'm thinking on to paper and prove it to someone else. So when I'm trying to logically tell myself I'm not crazy.. I got nothing

I guess the other trial.. and this sorta encompasses everything that I'm going through/doing now.. with each step I'm taking - it's moving me further and further away from my family and what has been "normal" all my life.
It's difficult for things to feel right in your head and heart, but to have that voice of what you're supposed to do constantly in your head as well.

I'll just tag.. I dunno. Maybe I'll just note you and say "tag you're it!"
Lauren.. did I do this right? lol

August 15th, 2007

Want.

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I'm not afraid, to be your whore.
in fact, im eager to be.

i miss being yours. i miss being your slut, your whore. do what you want with me.
collar me, restrain me, fuck me, spank me, leash me.

i want to find someone like me.
as sad as that sounds.
yes, im fucked up.
but... at least another me would understand that. understand my quirks, my fears, my passion... understand me.
im tired of normal people.
give me someone... strange. crazy. fucked up. i'd love you...

i want to write. i just.. i have so much to say.
but the words aren't coming. where have you gone?
maybe i don't have as much to say as i thought i did.
or maybe its the fear that grips me.
freezes me in its cold hands.. daring me to breathe, so it can squeeze just that much tighter..

i want to dance.
i want to horseback ride. i want to play my violin again and cry while im playing because it just feels... so...
right.

i want to feel right.
i want to feel balanced.
i want to laugh.
i want to cry.
i want to live.

how dare i deny myself any of this?

August 14th, 2007

(no subject)

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so much to do today...
yet im going to write anyway. ah well.

im venturing outside my comfort zone.
like.. very far out of it.
im terrified.
but this is necessary.
necessary if im ever going to grow. if im ever going to heal.

its so funny.. i was thinking last night about how once again, life has given me what i needed.
the gods have given me what i needed. i just need to figure out how to use it.

*smiles* this darling.. this is the year everything changes.
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