I want to address a few issues here that I've talked to some people about and thought about as well.
"I hate that it's all people want from me."
I don't know if I'm included in there, but I'm assuming I am.
I find it interesting that all you think I want from you is money.
Yes, obviously I do want money from you. I'm not your parents, I'm your girlfriend.. and you're not allowed to stay here for free.
Do you know why I was so happy you got a job as a Receptionist? Because I thought it was the start for you. The start for you to finally get into a decent job, the start for you to finally be able to support yourself and make it on your own. I was happy because you could get out on time and make it to school.
The reason why I want you to get a job and a decent one at work is for YOU. It's so that YOU can survive. It's so that if we decide to part ways, you're not living on the street somewhere hoping that somebody will take you in. It's so YOU can be self sufficient and stand on your own two feet.
Honestly.. that's all I want for you. That's all I've ever wanted for you - so that you will never, ever have to depend on someone else for something that you need or want ever again.
I learned that. The hard way a few years ago. And its why now I'm so reluctant to allow help from others now because I'm still getting used to the fact that I don't need anyone else to do shit for me.
That is the feeling I want from you. And I want it so badly for you because you are where I used to be.
As for the resumes... you have to understand. I am in recruiting. My job is to find people jobs.
It's not logical for me for someone to go out and physically hand someone else a resume. I've never done it, and have no experience of what the hire rate is of people who do it.
When people try to send me paper resumes (even when I first started this) I scoffed at them, as did other people. We don't want resumes in our hands, we want them in our email boxes. At least.. in my experience.
I honestly kept forgetting mostly because in my mind it wasn't important.
I don't know anyone that goes around giving out resumes anymore and finds success.
Am I all knowing? No. But I'm going from my experiences and what I've seen in this HR world I've been in for years and I'm going by how I've gotten jobs.
Do you know why I'm mad all the time?
It's because yes, because I have no help with rent, and cable and electricity.
But its also because I want you to better yourself and its not happening.
You dwell on the past. I know your history. I understand it. You've told it to me a million times. Think about how many times you tell me stories about how hard you've had it. Think of if I today still was talking about how destroyed and how unable I am to love still because of Brian and Jasmin.
It's not conducive to the healing process and it helps no one and it actually hinders you to keep talking about how the past has affected you.
But does it matter now? No. It doesn't. It doesn't matter now because now is the present, and you can't change the past.
now you have the help. As I told you before in one of the entries.. I'm here to help you. I'm willing to do so.
But you focus so much on how you've had NO help that you seem to completely forget about the help you have RIGHT now.
and i don't understand that.
And then, and only then when you yourself can stand on your own two feet can we ever move forward.
I want a partner that is an equal. That can stand on her own, as well as stand with me.
I want someone that if I left.. I knew KNEW that they would be just fine without me.
Can you say that about yourself right now?
I want a partner that I can have on the lease with me. I want a partner who can split things with me 50/50 because thats exactly what a partnership is.
I want someone that I can trust to know that no matter what.. they understand and realise that all I want for that person is the best.
I want a person that can rise above the odds and say "Fuck it, I will" when nobody else believes that they can make it.
I want a person that believes in themselves. I want a person that has an attitude of I CAN.
That is what I want Mallory. And that is what I want from you.